Hello there!
We’re probably sharing these “speeches” by now, or you’re here from the future to nostalgia dive. Either way, welcome. I hope you like the green space…
Cringe or not, I wanted to be more distinguished than throwing a raw document in front of you, after all, do you know me as someone who doesn't care about quality?
Well maybe sometimes I’m too extra and genuine, but at the end of the day, I still don’t tell what I truly want to. It’s weird… so that's what I want to try doing now.
Anyways,
1 year huh.
Well, technically more, but let’s just keep it 1 for the sake of simplicity.
I can not start to express how grateful I am to have gotten the chance to know you people, and to spend this one amazing, chaotic, funny, and emotional year with you. For one entire year I took you with me everywhere (quite literally-) and showed / introduced you to things that are extremely personal to me, and thought I'd never show people again.
I can’t really put a finger on what exactly it is that makes me feel so different about you than previous online friends, but I am certain that it is different, there’s just no way we’re collectively so wrong about each other at the same time…
Sigh, now giving a little insight on what happened before I met you guys.
You may already know that in 2023 I lost contact with someone that I had considered the most important person in the world to me at the time. The person who’s seen me growing up, been there from the start of my creative journey, listening to anything I wanted to say, so many laughs and tears and fun memories, much like us right now! Although we were friends in real life first, we still spent most of our lives as online friends as she had moved to Germany.
I never thought I could feel it again, like a sunny afternoon spent playing minecraft on my xbox360 after cooking the best stone soup ever and stuffing dog toys with dirt and grass, waiting every skype call like it’s the last,
eeeh anyways, one day she suddenly disappeared from my life… It wasn’t dramatic, no arguments or anything,, we kind of just lost each other.
I was devastated, angry at the situation that caused this, confused about my own feelings. I’ve never felt lonelier than I have in 2024, especially with growing more and more uncomfortable with my online friends, and at the same time struggling to stay sane with all the shit going on with Egg Girl and my friend group.
Then things sped up around me. By the end of the year I’ve gone through a massive character arc that’s responsible for like 80% of who you know me as. But I had to adjust.
Genuinely felt like I was deliberately distancing myself from everyone and everything I liked, and that’s probably what gave me the ability to not expect nor be excited about anything in the new year.
And at the time on the brink of insanity, I had, but a stupid yellow building to keep me company (insanity delayed until august lmao)… That was, of course, until you came along and helped me out.
“These people are funny, I really enjoy their art and chatting with them! I hope I can make new friends for this year’s artfight!”
- I thought.“I love returning to people each year! I’ll return to the same high school universe from before, but try to surprise Deemee-ed this year by focusing on their characters this time. Bet they won’t see another attack coming after the last one mhmhmhm... Oh cool! They have an instagram I can follow, maybe I can learn more about their characters for a better attack!”
And oh boy, did that attack happen. Sure, not in the way I planned it to, but it happened nevertheless. And OH did it come with an extra!
I’m going to, despite all, mention my good friend Trinity once in this letter as they were the one to introduce ArtFight to me back in 2020, which ultimately lead me to finding Deemee, and you.
Good lord, how much I love ArtFight you guys… It’s truly been one of the best years I had in this game, it’s so much more fun with friends, and for this bloody murder game you’re the best I could ask for. Thank you ^^
AND DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON CFI!!!! MAAAANNNNN
I have never been a part of a project with so much shared passion before, it’s so amazing how we all care about these characters and how our relationship and ourselves reflects through them. Anyone who I’ve mentioned it to has reacted with interest and awe, I don’t think it’s that common for 4 people to be working on the same project for a year, all putting in just about the same effort, it’s so crazy to me that we’re still going, despite agreeing to send CFI on a vacation for a bit. Can I just say that you are all so incredibly talented, every time any of you share anything I appreciate it just like the first time. Deemee’s carefully crafted shapes, Flo’s eye-candy colors, Nylar’s master linework… It’s so special to me.
Admittedly I’ve taken aspects of your art through the months, but I’m sure that I’m not alone with that.
But even after all the gameplays, all the stuff we did, I still felt like an outsider, sometimes I still do… It’s probably because I’m a little- youknOw- tight on words- when we’re on call. And I want to apologize for that (even though I know you’d tell me not to worry about it), I have a complicated relationship with the English language, your honor. And with four people on call, I can just chill HAHAHA though sometimes I do wish I was more open on them.
I am going to be completely honest here, and you can decide for yourself if I’m a jerk or not after this.
You played a big part in the end/breakup of two of my most significant online friendships. In a positive way. You made me realize how different online friends can be, gave me something to compare to, and so I consequently started feeling more and more uncomfortable in those friendships, eventually leading to two rather unprofessional cutoffs. But that’s totally on me. I’d be lying if I said I don’t feel bad or that it doesn’t look like I just simply “swapped them” for you, no, I’m not a monster.. There are many things I’d do differently if I was in those situations now, sure, but I’m trying to look forward and hope that both of them are doing well, wherever they are.
However, what matters is the here and now. And that I love you guys very VERY much. (God, how I love being able to say this without being taken out of context or made weird. Apparently, it’s extremely hard not to hit on me,, which could be considered a good thing in some cases, sure, but one of the friendships mentioned earlier ended right because of this reason, please understand that as much as I like acting, I have basic decency and I refuse to engage in such activities. I sincerely hope that whenever I say anything suspicious you know that I have never, do not and will never mean it in a romantic way. You’re my bros for fuck’s sake HAHAHA)
So thank you SO MUCH for being my friends, and still talking to me despite all. Knowing you has been a good break from the sad eastern reality I tend to let myself seep into. I have my highs and lows, but I really appreciate that you’re able to look over them and treat me the same way as before, not pressuring me to talk about things I don’t want to, but listening to what I do need to let out. I truly couldn’t wish for better, and I truly hope that I am / can one day repay you all for all that you’re doing for me. And if not, I uh- I don’t know. I have not yet reached that level of self-awareness. BUT I might be on a good path towards it!
anyways,
Flo, you crazy bitch. You always manage to make me smile, I absolutely love your vibes, your chaos. Probably why I associate this vibrant yellow color to you (oops, my first headcanon).
It’s crazy how quickly we managed to go from strangers to “aye aye captain”, and just how unhinged we can be. I’m sure you’re even more unhinged with Nylar for example, I can’t imagine what goes on in that room, but I don’t need to. I’m just happy for whatever we have / had going on this year, especially with the P - Zaza lore, but I’ll get back to this topic later…
Deemee, I’ve said a lot of what I wanted to in my other message, but I intentionally avoided talking about more specific things.. Like how interesting of a person you are, I’d pay a good amount to see into your brain (I’d probably leave traumatized, or disappointed like in a modern art museum, but you know what, worth it.) I’m genuinely always so thrilled to see your stupid fucking emo blue ass show up in chat.
Nylar, you’re one of the sweetest people I know right now. I love how we share bloodlust, some shake my hand! I have to be honest, you scare me sometimes. But then again, it’s probably my bad past experiences influencing the way I think. I’m trying my best to overcome them!
And honestly, that brings me to my next point…I think it’s just nice to generally have “normal” friends for once… or at least “normal” to me, because it’s absolutely relative (even though we're talking about basic human decency). AND I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ANY DISAGREEMENT ON THIS ONE. You are honestly the nicest and chillest friends I’ve ever had, and unfortunately not just on the internet, but thinking back, also in general. I'm not being placed on a pedestal, I'm not treated like shit, I'm just being myself, and appreciated for that. Sometimes I get stressed and scared about the future, and I disappear for a little. But so far you’ve been the first people that actually seemed to show care, yet didn’t demand an explanation when I returned to the world of the living. There’s nothing more uncomfortable than seeing a message like “I just want to help” when you’re feeling absolutely down in the ditches. If you know, you know.
OBVIOUSLY, I know that it’s all very different through a screen and I absolutely shouldn’t be making statements like this, but you know what, I’ll take the risk and let it slide just this once. (Might not seem like it, but your buddy here actually has a lot of pent up anger due to toxic self-awareness)
This also brings me to talking about how our “meetup” has been slowly becoming something in my mind that’s not just a meme, but something that could actually happen. AND I CANNOT WAIT! I’m so serious about it, I already mentioned it to my parents, they were like “omg can we come meet them too?” AND I STARTED LAUGHING BECAUSE I REMEMBERED THAT ONE FUCKING GARTICPHONE DRAWING I MADE FOR DEEMEE-
However, I might sound like the black sheep here, b u t-
While I would absolutely love to meet with you, I can’t help but beg you to not rush into it PLEASE!!!
I would actually cry if it was the thing ending this friendship, we have expectations that might still be too off from reality,, though I am undoubtedly traumatized from last summer (when I had an online friend over for the first time and blocked her a couple weeks later out of shame and regret for agreeing to do it, and some other highly uncomfortable experiences the meetup brought along with itself…)
I believe there will be a place and time for us to meet in the future,
it might happen next year,
it might happen this year,
it might happen in three years, or five…
but I’m sure it will come. Heck, we haven’t even face-revealed yet (though an irl face reveal would be ABSOLUTELY insane not gonna lie), there’s unarguably so much we still have to learn about each other. And I REFUSE TO think that it’s impossible. I have imagined us hugging way too many times for that…
The other day I was with my grandma for a couple hours and we spent the time discussing a bunch of stuff, including you. That’s when most of the content of this speech formed inside my head. She’s actually pretty darn real and open about things like this despite her age, she used to have international mail buddies back in the day, so I assume she relates to the experience. I love her so much for this.
I told her about how we met, and how we somehow immediately hit it off. She smiled through the whole story and then asked if we’re planning to meet already, obviously I said the truth.
But still, what shocked me was that at that moment in her tiny soviet block 3 square meter kitchen, I realized that what we have going on is nowhere comparable to other online friendships I’ve had before.
”The time it takes to bond with people really is relative, isn’t it…”
Isn’t it?I feel like I’ve known you for way longer than a year, yet it doesn’t feel like it’s been a year already since we started talking.
I consider us to be on a level of trust that I haven’t managed to achieve with people I’ve known for way longer, or with friends that I had similar daily streaks with, for years… I told my grandma that this feels, as I said, different. She asked me if I’m not afraid that meeting up with you is going to be as bad as meeting up with my friend last year. I confidently told her no.
No, because this time, it’s actually two sided, and that’s what gives me such a thrill, the “me” part in “us”.
This time, I wouldn’t be letting someone who’s obsessed with me live out their fantasies.
I am not lying to myself about caring.
I know I do care, and that this is something that not only you are, but so am I looking forward to, genuinely.
Even though at times I’m quiet. Or seem off.
I just want you all to know that I’d do notable things for this group, for the world we’ve created, our memories. My heart and soul is responsible for the rest.
It’s hard to tell where we’re headed to. I truly hope for the best, how could I not?
Should our group ever break apart or worse, grow up, I think we made an impact. On each others' lives, definitely. If we all disappeared, at least we had fun. I will forever treasure these moments spent talking with you, be it sunny or cloudy.
A version of us will forever live in 2024, laughing at dumb shit, playing roblox and drawing little characters.